Archive for March, 2011
Do you believe in free will, reason, and character? Would you like to know 3 easy questions that develop all three? Inside you’ll find out how building free will and reason lead to character in your kids.
Parenting Question – Does Free Will Exist?
How would you like to live in total chaos? Some people say, “There is no such thing as free will.” That means no one would be responsible for their choices or behaviors.
For example, if a bully broke your child’s arm, it wouldn’t be the bully’s fault because he didn’t have free will. He didn’t make a conscious choice to hurt your child. It just happened. Read on if you agree that we have free will.
Parenting Skills That Help Your Kids Use Free Will:
Teach your child that she has choices.
Teach your child to consider each choice.
Teach your child how to choose the best choice.
If you’re a parent who believes both in free will and the power of moral reasoning, you’ll want to teach reasoning skills to your children too.
Parenting Skills That Help Your Kids Reason Well:
Teach your kids to see the difference between right and wrong. They need to realize behaviors that hurt others are wrong and behaviors that help others are right.
Teach your kids to build empathy and respect by understanding the fearful kid who’s shy, the weak kid who’s little, or the sad kid whose parents recently divorced.
Teach your kids to think logically in difficult situations, like being teased, not knowing how to make friends, or admitting a lie. Help them to use their reason and come up with good solutions.
Parenting Skills – 3 Questions that Build Free Will, Reason, and Character:
When your child tells you painful events that happened at school, in the neighborhood, or at home, consider using these 3 questions:
What do you think about it?
How would you feel if that happened to you?
What are some good ways to handle it?
These questions can apply in any difficult situation. When you listen and ask the 3 questions, you show you care. You also create a special connection between you and your child. One more thing, promoting free will and reason will also build character in your kids.
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My daughter was invited away for the weekend with her very good friend. As she was putting the clean dishes away and preparing to feed the animals (two dogs and one cat) she said (with pride) “I don’t know what you and Daddy are going to without me this weekend – who’s going to put the dishes away and feed the animals?”
I was thrilled that my daughter not only has really taken ownership of her chores, but that she was concerned about how they would get accomplished while she was away. At the age of ten, she is beginning to recognize how taking care of her responsibilities impacts others, a life skill some of us adults are still trying to master!
In addition to feeling really good about herself and her important role in the family, gaining mastery over the doing of the chores has helped her build her self-esteem.
Many parents believe that we can increase our children’s self-esteem with expressions of love and praise. When parents and teachers give praise and positive feedback for no real achievement it actually undermines a child’s real self-esteem. Children know when they’ve gotten praise for less than their best effort and they don’t feel good about themselves because of it.
Instead, real self-esteem comes from true achievement — when a child takes on a challenge, perseveres and succeeds. This child will feel satisfied, competent and good about himself. You see, self-esteem is really the set of opinions we hold about ourselves. And children can be very hard on themselves.
That’s why having children be responsible for certain chores around the house has so many benefits.
When they first begin taking on the chore, they must learn how to do it properly. As you teach them how to do it, you praise small accomplishments. As they get more proficient at it, they need less and less instruction and supervision from you. Once they are accomplishing it all on their own, they begin to take pride in their efforts.
I like to have chores advance to the next level when I know my daughter has mastered doing the basic part of the chore. For the feeding of the animals, the first step was just gathering up their bowls for me and then putting them down to feed them when I had filled them. The next step was for me to pull the items of animal food from the refrigerator (after she had gathered the bowls) and have her measure out the portions and then feed them.
Now, she gathers the bowls, takes the food items out of the refrigerator, portions them out, feeds the animals their meals and puts whatever is leftover back in the refrigerator. The next step (which we have begun) is for her to rinse out the cans the food was in, remove the labels and put the cans in the recycle bin (instead of just leaving them in the sink).
Your child can accomplish anything with a little planning and guidance. Don’t forget to praise their accomplishment with words that recognize exactly what they did right. An example would be “Susie, I’m so pleased that you remembered to rinse out the cans before putting them in the recycle bin,” or “I like the way you arranged the cans of cat food by color.” Your child’s achievements don’t need to be big, they just need to be real and recognized.
So start them on chores when they are young, teach them in small steps, praise their accomplishments and give yourself credit for being a great parent!
Haynes Miller believes in keeping parenting techniques simple and teaches “Platinum Parenting,” a seven week parenting makeover to transform parenting stress into parenting joy. Everybody deserves a happy parenthood!
To learn “The Simple Parenting Technique That Always Gets Results” download my report here: http://www.platinumparenting.com
I’m often asked how to get kids started helping out with chores. Here are some useful tips:
Start early. Younger children love to help out – it makes them feel like a “big kid.” Take advantage of this and have them start with the very simplest tasks. Children as young as 18 months old can carry a few pieces of laundry into the laundry room or deposit them into a hamper. They will probably climb into the hamper after the clothes, but that’s part of the fun!
Teach them how to do it. When learning a new task, children need to watch and help you. Show them how to do the chore explaining what you are doing as you go along. Then let the child give it a try. You will be there for direction and support and to make sure things are going well. This is the most basic way to model the behavior for your child. I always allow my child to try it out her way after trying mine — sometimes they come up with a better way!
Make it easy. If the child is responsible for setting the table, make sure she is able to reach the dishes, get at the utensils and napkins. Sometimes you will need to move items to a lower level for the child to have easy access. It’s a small price to pay for teaching them responsibility early.
Be clear and simple with your expectations. Often, a child hasn’t been given adequate instructions. Make sure the steps are clear enough. Provide a simple checklist of the steps required to complete a chore.
Offer a choice. Children often complain about chores that are assigned. Involve your child in choosing the chore and setting the time for it to be accomplished. My daughter chose watering the plants and decided she wanted to do it on Sundays.
Make it fun. When I am working on chores with my daughter we play the “let’s pretend this a TV show” game. If we are vacuuming the floor we will pretend we are on HGTV giving the viewers tips on how to make vacuuming easier. When we cook together, we pretend we are on a (made up) Food Network show “Cooking with Kids.” Kids have great imaginations and really enjoy the “pretend” games. Find one that appeals to your child.
Explain why. Children need to know why helping out is important. When they know that as part of a “family team” they are expected to be a contributing member, it boosts their self-esteem and enhances the family bond. It also helps them understand the responsibility involved — my daughter sees the plants drooping if she hasn’t watered them on Sunday — she knows that if she doesn’t do her job, the plants will suffer.
Rewards and Consequences. Many families (including mine) use the accomplishment of chores as the basis for a modest allowance. This gives the child an additional incentive to complete the expected tasks. In addition, we also have consequences for times when our daughter doesn’t want to do her chores. These can be logical consequences such as if the child did not put her favorite shirt in the laundry basket it will not be clean the next time she wants to wear it. Or she sees the plants drooping if she forgets to water them. In our home, we believe in work first, then fun, so if my daughter does not want to do the chore, she may not watch television, play on the computer or Nintendo, etc. until it is done.
Reminders are needed. Children often need reminding when it is time for their chores. We use simple checklists with the day of the week, the chore to be completed and a box to check off when it is done. Because my daughter chooses her chores and when she wants to do them, she really enjoys checking the “done” box. Sometimes just handing the child the checklist is enough of a gentle reminder.
Praise and encouragement. Whether the task is done completely to your satisfaction or not, your child should be recognized for her efforts. The praise should be specific to the task accomplished. An example of this is “The way you stacked the dog food cans gave us more room in the cupboard. Thank you for putting them away and freeing up some space in there!”
To learn “The Simple Parenting Technique That Always Gets Results” download my brand new report here: http://www.platinumparenting.com
Haynes Miller teaches all her secrets in “Platinum Parenting,” a seven week parenting makeover which transforms parenting stress into parenting joy. Platinum Parenting, because our children are our most precious resource.
“Where do babies come from?” Why does this simple question turn lawyers, engineers, accountants and even doctors into bumbling dunces in front of their kids? Well, if you are a parent, it’s a foregone conclusion. The time will come when your child will ask you about sex.
Rather than fear this question, the best way to face this inevitability is to prepare for it. In fact, prepare for it well in advance so that you won’t be as flustered when they ask. Remember, your child will learn from what you say, as much as from how you say it.
Look around you. Sexual influences are everywhere: TV, billboards, magazines. Your child’s friends must be talking about it too. Would you rather have your child learn about sex from those influences or from you?
The first question about where babies come from can turn up in the preschool years. Don’t be alarmed! This isn’t even about intimacy yet. Your child’s curiosity about this is as natural as his curiosity about where the sun goes at night. At this age, you can satisfy the question with a simple explanation. Because daddies and mommies have so much love for each other, they want to share their love with a baby of their own. Then be creative about the biological part. Remember, your child is young and all he needs is a story. However simple, keep it as accurate as possible though, because you’ll build on this story as your child gets older. The concept of a seed is a good analogy for kids of this age to understand.
In a couple of years, the question may come up again. Only you as the parent can decide if your child is emotionally ready for more proper terms. If he is, then build on your earlier story and incorporate the concept of sperm from daddy meeting up with the egg in mommy (the “seed” from before) to help it grow into a baby. That straight-forward answer is enough for now. Then, add the story of how the baby grows for nine months in the mommy’s tummy. Your child’s fascination with the different growth stages of the baby in-utero should keep him sated for now.
Soon, your child will be in that interesting stage called the preteen years. From the ages of nine through 12, you’ll notice that your child has some added dimensions to his reasoning and logic skills. With his burgeoning independence, he’ll also be more exposed to the world around him. Whether he tells you or not, you can be sure that he’s absorbing many of the influences around him. Be it in school, through the media or because of technology, he’s learning much more than just what you teach him at home.
This time it may be your turn to initiate the subject of sex. Time may come when he’ll ask you questions again, but your instinct will tell you if you need to wait for that time or not. Your child is entering puberty. If you have a daughter, she could get her first period anytime. You can assume that your child is hearing about sex elsewhere, so take the initiative to provide correct information. Still, despite the age, check his moral readiness and emotionally maturity.
Again it is your discretion as parent as to what to say exactly, and how much to explain. This may be a more serious talk than those in the past. I will not attempt to dictate a spiel, because your family history, your family values and your child’s environment all factor into the content of your talk. In any case, set an open atmosphere where he’ll feel safe to ask you questions. It’s important to find out what he knows and how much he knows. You need not tell him more that he is asking. More importantly, straighten out any wrong assumptions he may have.
In the end, there will not be just one ‘sex talk’. As your preteen gets older, new questions will crop up. With each new dialog, be sure to underline the values you’d like your child to uphold.
If you prepare well and keep all this in mind, the dreaded ‘sex talk’ won’t be as dreaded anymore. Instead it will be a golden opportunity to build a stronger and healthier relationship with your child.
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Parenting is the most difficult, the most challenging, and the most important job we will ever have. So many of our children’s future successes and problems can stem from our success as parents. Yet fortunately we do not have to go it alone. We can learn from the successful parents around us, if we are fortunate including our own parents, and also learn from those less successful as well. In addition, we can learn many important lessons about parenting from our own children. If we only listen and pay attention they tell us so much about what they want and need from us as parents. While we can so often get caught up in the little details and daily grind of parenting, if we keep sight of three main goals then the rest will take care of itself. All our children really need from us are these three all-important gifts: our love, our care, and our time.
Love is the easiest and yet the most overlooked of the gifts we must give our children. We love our children. It is such an overwhelming emotion for us that we often forget that our children may not realize its depth and breadth. It is true for many of us that we did not realize how much our parents love us until we too became parents. Demonstrate through your actions and choices that you love your children. Show them and tell them how much you care. Do this with little gestures and big ones and do it every day. One certainty our children should possess as they grow and develop is that they are loved as this gives them a foundation and confidence that nothing else can.
Care is something we do all the time, so much so that it is often on autopilot. Folding clothes, picking up toys, packing lunches, and washing dishes. One of the ways to cope with these tasks is to put them in perspective. These boring, repetitive tasks are one of the ways we care for our children and by doing them we are showing our care. But do not neglect the emotional and cognitive care along with the physical care. It is easy while making sure our children are fed, clothed, and washed to overlook the emotional care and cognitive care children also need. Teach your child how to handle emotions like fear and jealousy by talking things through and modeling good emotional behavior. Make sure your child is challenged intellectually through conversation, games and books.
Time is the most precious of all gifts and yet so many parents short their children of their time. Time is spent at work and at various life activities from home maintenance to recreation, but simply giving your child the gift of your time and attention every day can reap tremendous rewards. Giving your child your time and attention is the surest way to demonstrate to your child that he or she is loved. You can multi-task while spending time with your child if the task is something that the child can be involved in or adjacent to — and the task is something mindless so you can focus on the child. For example, children can help with household chores or can talk or read to you while you fold laundry or wash dishes. Simply making a point of spending time with your child every day where your primary focus is on the child can reap tremendous rewards today and tomorrow.
There are no perfect parents, so striving for perfection is setting yourself up for failure. All you can do is try your best and give your child the gifts of love, care, and time. If you do then you will be a good parent. It really is that simple.
Renaissance Woman Deanna Mascle shares more parenting tips in her blog at http://renaissancewomanonline.com